The Tension Between Preservation and Perseverance

Photo Credit: Anne-Claire Fleer

How do I try to describe the last 6 months? How would you? When I even think about putting it into words it seems endlessly daunting, filled with fear and sorrow and confusion. To be honest, I’ve been afraid to post here, afraid what an open space to write might reveal to myself about this time, afraid to have any blank page not filled up by distraction from a world that feels completely upside down.

But as we usher in the new year, Rosh Hashanah, and as one of the biggest champions of equality and women’s rights has fallen, I am called to reflect and face my own fears. Called to move through the murkiness of the past 6 months and find some clarity. To me, this entire experience has been a tension between preservation and perseverance. How can I preserve my health, my sanity, my connections, my normalcy in this confined environment? And how do I, when I’m exhausted and weary and my energy drained simply from striving for normalcy in a very un-normal situation, persevere for myself and those who need me? To fight against racial injustice yet preserve energy so my commitment is there for the long haul. To urge Americans to vote and stay on top of politics yet not find myself in a vortex of fake news and sensationalized headlines. To protect myself and my loved ones from an invisible threat but remain optimistic and cheerful when those around me need to be bolstered most. To show up as my best self at work and be an ally and a source of support for colleagues but ensure I’ve set the boundaries to support myself. The tug between preservation and perseverance is ever present and frankly hurting my back from the effort of pulling in too many directions.

It’s all just so hard. I say this not being a first responder braving every day, a politician fighting for democracy, or a Black man unable to exist in this world without fear. I’m not minimizing my or your experience- just imagining how much infinitely harder it is for them, and then I feel a wave of empathy and sadness that sends me into a spiral of anxiety and despair only a Pinterest scroll or binge of BaeWatch can temporarily numb.

It’s crushing and strange at some moments, uplifting and optimistic in others - these past 6 months have demanded we confront the shadow parts of ourselves which we see so clearly in the absence of distraction and have called us to show up for each other even when we’re having a hard time showing up for ourselves.

We are all in it.

This is both our burden and our solace that the experience we’re having is equally individual and collective- and I find this tension between preservation and perseverance growing tighter and tighter within all of us, pulling to the point where it is bound to snap. A point where our perfectly balanced teeter totter between sanity and insanity is about to splinter and go flying in different directions.

So here we are. Holding on, closing our eyes, and hoping to keep it all together right here and move forward at the same time, the two can’t exist at once. So, where do we go now? Where do we step?

On Rosh Hashannah, Jewish people reflect on the year prior and set our intentions for the year ahead. Yesterday, as I streamed Central Synagogue’s services and listened to the words of Rabbi Buchdal, she talked about how we must break in order to rebuild. Break, breathe, push- she said. Like a pregnancy and a birth, dangerous yet with great reward on the other side. Break the paradigm, breathe to steady yourself for what’s next, and push to a future that you want. Something clicked for me.

Maybe it’s not about preservation at all. Preservation keeps us stuck. It seeks to maintain a past moment while fostering fear for the future and ignoring the opportunities of the present. It doesn’t work in this new world. So we must break it. Break it all. We must release our vice grip on preservation or snap the tense rope and let ourselves fly in the directions we fear. It is the only way we can take that next step.

When I think about how much I have broken in the past 6 months, where I’ve found my strength, none of it comes from preservation. It comes from the shattering, from severing the frayed rope, from allowing myself to fly into those shadow parts of myself and confront them head on. Here’s a few of the best breakings I can think of from the past few months:

• I absolutely broke my sanity when I entered OCD therapy as my mind played so many tricks on me it became difficult to function. This caused skyrocketing anxiety, ignoring my fear signals, and completely breaking all of the rules OCD was telling me would keep me safe. I didn’t sleep for weeks. I was an absolute mess. Broken from a battle with myself. But I worked through it, and took those baby steps until my feet were steady again. The result? OCD recovery. More mental space. Opening myself up to uncertainty and fear and facing it head on which makes me feel strong and capable.

• I broke my own and society’s expectations of what an MBA program should look like when I declined my full time acceptance at Berkeley Haas and chose to pursue Michigan Ross’ online MBA program. Ignoring snide remarks about online MBAs, urges to take the path I was supposed to, and doing what actually worked for me. I confronted my long held belief that my value could come from a ranking, I pursued a path not often traveled by my peers, I failed an accounting quiz and took a hammer to my perfectionist tendencies, letting my love of learning regrow in its place.The result? The power to shape a new program, the ability to apply my learning to my job, the flexibility to live wherever I want.

• I broke my facade of being okay all the time and started being honest - with work, with friends, with family. I broke old habits of allowing toxic people to come into my life and set up true boundaries which allow me to be my best self, preserving my energy for when my loved ones need me (and for when I need strength myself). The result? Truer friendships. More transparent and open conversation. Connection.

The break is tough, seemingly impossible work- it opens the cracks of fear and uncertainty and puts you in a free fall. It requires immense effort and the shattering brings our bodies and minds out of stasis, out of desperately trying to keep it together, which is not our natural setting - but maybe it should be.

When I think about some of the great breakers of our time, Ruth Bader Ginsburg is one of the first that come to mind. She was beloved by so many because she broke everything with panache to build it better and more equal. She broke gender norms in her relationship and in her schooling. She defied, digressed, and fought for equality by seeing the cracks in antiquated laws and breaking them wide open. One of Ruth’s favorite charities was called Hand-in-Hand, a breaker organization that crushes walls built from centuries long divides and creates new connections by providing Israeli and Arab integrated schools for more understanding and equality. Ruth wasn’t afraid to break- because she understood the need to do so before pushing on.

So let’s honor her legacy and honor the need for all of us to break. It’s scary, and uncomfortable, and worth it.

If we could apply this same idea of breaking to so many of the global issues going on right now - we see the light of progress shining like a guide through what we’ve broken, illuminating the way. Healthcare is breaking long held walls to find a solution faster and with more collaboration than ever. If we applied this to government, united parties with a common goal and broke party lines, what would happen? If we break our ideas of always needing to be right and perfect, what would happen if we examined ourselves, admitted our racism or sexism or unacknowledged prejudices.

Is this simplistic? Maybe. But where are we getting with preservation? Where are we getting holding ourselves and our society together with tape and glue to cover up cracks that are trying to tell us it’s time for a renovation.

It all needs to break in order to build.

We need to stop trying to get back on track and break the whole damn track.

We need to break up with old paradigms and habits.

We need to break down and let ourselves feel.

We need to break apart so that we can find new and better ways to come together.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, “Real enduring change, happens one step at a time.” But, she never said what direction that step needs to be. I’d like to think this was purposeful on her part- Ruth, ever the breaker. As we break things - we may need to step back to avoid the shrapnel, to the side to see what the wreckage is trying to tell us, or forward if we feel ready, but her words show that each of the steps matter. Each step no matter the direction provides a lesson, a perspective shift, and holds a meaning that eventually helps us find our destination, even if it’s not the one we had originally thought.

So let’s break this tension together and lean into the possibility that this shattering may be exactly what we all need to persevere.